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(Includes First 20 Chapters)

primer - n. 1. An introductory textbook; 2. Any device by which an explosive charge is ignited

Day 1

Tuesday, October 14

Joanna Ryan lay stretched out on the couch. She'd come over as usual to mooch her friend Karen's cable TV access. It was something she couldn't afford in her own rented room in the house next door, at least not on her current income. Her web design business hadn't taken off yet, so she was stuck working part-time at one of the local hybrid bookstore/café/bars near the college. On the bright side, she got to set her own hours and had a lot of free time on her hands, which she spent outside of her converted garage apartment whenever possible.

Ryan looked up as McKenzie Ferguson, Karen's college sophomore housemate, entered the den and made her way to the couch. McKenzie's medium-length blonde hair flowed loosely around her shoulders and she unconsciously tucked it back behind one ear. She wore a pair of light blue denim cut-offs and a yellow half-shirt that not only showed off her tight abdomen, but also accentuated her bust. Ryan forced herself to refocus on the movie, though she remained acutely aware of McKenzie's presence only a few feet away.

McKenzie took note of what was on the TV, decided she didn't care as long as it wasn't about Post-Impressionism in the 19th century, and then looked down at the long body sprawled across the couch. God, the woman was delicious.

Long black hair cascaded over the red men's tank top Ryan was wearing, blending in with the black sports bra she wore underneath to cover the flesh that was exposed by the open sides of her shirt. Her black jeans strained over muscular thighs and loosened slightly as the material came to rest around her ankles. Soft black socks covered her feet, while her discarded hiking boots rested under the coffee table in a tumbled heap.

"Scoot over, Ryan," McKenzie said as she lifted the woman's long legs at the ankles and sat down.

McKenzie turned her body and extended her legs out parallel to Ryan's, so they could both lie out on the couch without bothering each other.

Ryan turned her head as her legs were resituated by slender hands and regarded the short woman. Girl, really. Christ, she was only nineteen. Ryan refocused on the television again. She was only twenty-six herself, but she made it a point not to mess with anyone under twenty. Didn't stop her from thinking about it, though.

McKenzie tried to get comfortable, but it wasn't working. She squirmed a little on the cushions and then turned from her side to sit up, her back against the arm of the couch as she faced Ryan. She lifted her legs over Ryan's and let them come to rest next to the back of the couch, forcing the older woman's legs to the outside. There, that was much better.

She turned her head to watch the TV and the onscreen action slowly caught her attention. Her hand absently came to rest on one of the sock-covered feet that reached past her hip. She squeezed slightly and felt the tension under her fingertips. She brought her other hand over to join the first and repositioned her hands so that her fingers rested on the top of Ryan's foot, while her thumbs dug into the arch.

Ryan felt the foot massage begin and looked over at her benefactor. McKenzie stopped for a moment to remove the socks and then resumed her gentle ministrations. Her hands worked alternately, first one squeezing, then the other. Ryan groaned under her breath. She'd just finished an afternoon shift at the bookstore and this had been the first time she'd been off her feet all day.

McKenzie heard the groan and smiled inwardly. Maybe she had a chance after all. So far, Ryan hadn't responded to any of her subtle advances, but McKenzie was still pretty new to the game. She'd only gone out on her first date a year ago. Her parents had always been a little strict where those things were concerned and it had only been after she'd moved a couple thousand miles away from Redding, California to attend college in Ann Arbor, Michigan that she'd finally been able to start exploring her options.

It hadn't taken her long to realize she was more interested in the women than the men. As soon as she'd figured that out, she'd been much happier with her dating choices. Nothing had gone beyond basic necking, but it was still fun nonetheless. Then she'd met Ryan three months ago, after Karen had helped her get the room in the house next door, and she'd been unable to stop thinking about Ryan ever since.

McKenzie worked her thumbs down the arch of Ryan's foot and pressed them into the woman's heel, then moved back up to the ball of her foot. She spread the toes and worked them individually. As she massaged back down again, she wrapped her hands around Ryan's ankle and squeezed her way up the muscled calf.

Ryan closed her eyes and let herself sink into the pleasure for a moment, then pulled her leg away and sat up.

"That's enough. Stop."

"Why? Doesn't it feel good?" McKenzie asked innocently as she pulled her own legs back to sit more normally on the couch.

"Yes."

Ryan leaned over to pick up her socks from the floor and started putting them back on.

"Then what's the problem?" McKenzie continued.

"You're a teenager and I'm not."

"Oh, come on. You said it yourself. Age doesn't matter. Aren't you being a little hypocritical?"

"I didn't mean it like that. You're just young. I don't touch teens."

Ryan pushed her feet into her shoes and began tying up the laces.

"It's not like I'm underage. I'm legal," McKenzie protested.

"I don't care whether it's legal or not. I grew up around assholes who didn't think twice about taking advantage of someone's innocence, namely my parents. I refuse to follow in their footsteps," Ryan said adamantly.

"I'm not that young."

Ryan finished with her laces and sat back up so she could face McKenzie.

"I know. It doesn't change my feelings on the subject," Ryan said gently.

McKenzie looked down at her hands in her lap. Her eyes settled on her index finger and the thin silver band she'd chosen to wear that morning. The words 'Carpe Diem' were engraved across the top and accented in jet black. She'd bought the ring to remind herself to be bold, to take risks.

McKenzie looked up, meeting Ryan's steady gaze with her own and gathered her courage as she took a deep breath. She had to know.

"Do I even stand a chance with you?"

Ryan looked away.

"I don't know how to answer that."

"It's pretty simple. Either a 'yes' or 'no' will do."

"It's not that. I just don't want to encourage you, but I won't lie either." Ryan smirked at herself. "Guess I kind of answered you anyway."

McKenzie couldn't believe the way her heart was hammering in her chest at the admission, but the flood of adrenaline seemed to fuel her daring, so she went with it.

"Can I kiss you?"

Ryan frowned.

"No. I told you. I don't touch teenagers."

"I don't turn twenty for another six months. You're saying we have to wait that long? Just so my age no longer ends in -teen?"

Ryan shook her head.

"It's not that simple, but yeah."

Ryan wished she could rewind the conversation so she could figure out when she'd gone on the defensive in response to McKenzie's suddenly aggressive pursuit. Ryan had managed to put off McKenzie's advances for three months now and had expected to be able to do so until McKenzie was beyond Ryan's self-imposed age restrictions, but the girl's direct questions had forced Ryan to stop sidestepping the issue.

If it had been anyone else, Ryan would have had no problem brushing her off, but McKenzie was different. Ryan had been attracted to McKenzie from the first day they'd met, but over the past three months, Ryan had come to realize it was more than just physical. She'd gotten to know McKenzie and had found her to be a sweet, intelligent, and innocent girl whose thoughts and feelings were important to Ryan.

"Why can't I just kiss you? Is it that big a deal?" McKenzie continued.

Then again, McKenzie could also be a bit pushy when she didn't get her way and sometimes Ryan couldn't help wanting to push back.

Ryan stood up from the couch and McKenzie stood with her in reflex. They remained on opposite ends between the couch and the coffee table. McKenzie could tell something had changed in her friend, but she held her ground. Ever since she'd first met Ryan, she'd trusted her, somehow knowing Ryan would never intentionally hurt her no matter what.

"When we finally kiss, it's not going to end there. I promise you," Ryan stated.

It sounded like a threat.

"You promise?"

"Yes, and you know what a promise means to me."

McKenzie did. So many people had broken so many promises to Ryan throughout her life that the very word itself had almost become holy to the woman. When she used that word, it was equivalent to swearing a life debt.

"So if I kissed you right now, you wouldn't stop? You promised."

Ryan's face twisted and McKenzie instantly regretted her teasing.

"Don't try to blackmail me with my word. It'll turn this into a one-night stand and we won't be friends afterwards. And I want more than a one-night stand."

McKenzie digested that statement, along with a flock of butterflies that chose that moment to take flight inside her stomach. It only lasted for a moment though as her thoughts went back to her request.

"But I'm only asking for a kiss. You couldn't resist if we kissed?"

Ryan looked into the innocent green eyes of the girl asking the question. Maybe it was time to turn the tables a little.

"You're still a virgin, aren't you," Ryan observed more than asked.

McKenzie blushed, but she didn't lose eye contact at the slight change of subject.

"Yes," she confirmed.

"Have you ever touched yourself? To orgasm?"

That was a little more personal, but McKenzie didn't flinch as much as she thought she would at such a question.

"Yeah."

Ryan nodded in understanding.

"Touching yourself can't compare with someone else doing the same things to your body. What you've felt so far is only a fraction of what it can be like with someone else."

McKenzie's eyes widened. She'd heard it could feel really good, but...

"You have no idea what it's like, do you?" Ryan continued as she slowly moved forward, her voice low and silky. "Touching a woman, slipping your fingers inside her, listening to her beg you to go harder, faster, give her more, anything to bring her release."

McKenzie felt her stomach curl in reaction to the erotic language and couldn't help thinking about being in such a situation with Ryan, begging her for all those things and more.

Ryan's voice went from seductive to commanding and her posture straightened as she decided to give McKenzie a taste of what it would be like if they embarked on a sexual relationship together.

"Clasp your hands behind your back. You're not allowed to touch me."

McKenzie was confused for a second, but then she slowly complied. She wasn't sure what Ryan had in mind, but she was more than willing to obey. Her head lowered, but Ryan corrected her.

"No, keep your head held high and look at me. I want to see you standing proud."

McKenzie lifted her head and stared directly into Ryan's blue eyes.

"This is First Position. Remember it."

McKenzie's eyes widened again, but that was her only acknowledgment of the possibility of future experiences, which Ryan's statement implied.

Ryan took the last two steps and stood a hairsbreadth from the girl, but didn't touch her. Her six-foot-tall height allowed her to lean in, still without physically touching McKenzie, and her breath caressed a soft-looking ear.

"You've imagined me touching you, haven't you? Kissing you... Sucking your tongue, maybe. What would you offer to have me simply lick your earlobe right now? Would you beg?" Ryan whispered.

McKenzie's breathing was quick and shallow. With every word Ryan spoke, she felt a moist breath wash over her sensitive ear.

"Would you beg me just to suck your earlobe?" Ryan asked again in a harsh whisper.

"Yes."

"Then beg me."

"Please, Ryan, suck my earlobe."

"That's not begging," Ryan patiently chastised.

"Please. I don't know what else to say. I need you to touch me. Please, kiss me. Please."

"You want to feel my tongue in your mouth?"

"Yes."

"You've imagined it there."

"Yes."

"Have you thought about what I taste like? I've thought about you. I've thought about licking your lips... Sucking your tongue into my mouth... Swirling my tongue around yours again and again, while you whimper into my face. You're wet right now just thinking about it, aren't you?"

McKenzie let out a sound that was a cross between a grunt, a groan, and a whimper.

"Tell me," Ryan ordered.

"Yes."

"Good. You think about me when you touch yourself, don't you?"

"Hmmh," was the extent of McKenzie's answer as flashes of previous fantasies flitted across her mind's eye.

"You may touch yourself tonight to orgasm."

Ryan straightened up from her slightly bent over position and took a step back, intent on leaving.

McKenzie just barely kept herself from unclasping her hands and reaching out to hold the woman in place.

"Wait. I... You can't—"

"I want you to think about what you're getting yourself into. I'm going to tease you every day for the next six months. You will not touch me and I will not touch you, until you turn twenty. Think about it."

Ryan turned and left without looking back.

Author's Notes

This kind of story is usually termed 'fluff' or 'slice of life' fiction and I'm perfectly fine with that.

I love these two women. Their story plays out like a movie in my head (the kind I wish someone would actually make) and getting to watch them as they navigate the challenges of their BDSM relationship is both arousing and heartwarming.

My wife (also known as my first beta-reader) says that even though she loves the sex scenes, she loves their conversations and emotionally intimate moments just as much (if not more), so I must be doing something right.

So, if you're okay with the drama being all about the relationship rather than world-ending peril, read the first 2 books (20 chapters) for free, then make sure you buy a Site Membership to read the rest (as a bonus, you'll get everything else I've ever written—or will ever write—thrown in for free). And if you aren't hooked by the end of the last free chapter... It ain't gonna happen. :)

Oh, and the relationship drama I'm referring to is not negative, abusive, game-playing crap. It's based on the insecurity we all feel when risking our hearts, wondering if we're good enough or worthy of being loved, or even if our love will be accepted or returned.

Like I said, it's a relationship piece with copious amounts of kinky sex thrown in (read: wish fulfillment). That's just how my muse likes it and I like to keep her happy. :)

A little historical note — This story was originally started after I'd been awake for about two days straight. It was also originally a Xena fanfic, but has since been revised to take it out of that realm because it's set in modern day times.

Notes About the Warnings

Just like the story itself, the warnings are subject to change (mostly with new additions), since I'm in the middle of writing the story and I may come up with a scenario not yet covered here. If the warnings change, I'll be sure to announce it the next time I post a new chapter.

Regarding the child abuse — I try not to dwell too much on Ryan's abuse history, but it is a part of her and she does get triggered from time to time (in the clinical psychological sense, not the ridiculous internet version of the term). There are also things that come up because she's sharing who she is with McKenzie as they get to know each other more intimately.

I've done my best to keep the details brief (i.e., a few paragraphs describing a dream/memory as opposed to pages and pages of trauma). Instead, I try to focus on how Ryan deals with those disruptions to her current life to show how anyone with a traumatic past can get through it and live a happy life.

I apologize to anyone who gets triggered by reading even those brief descriptions, but I feel they're unavoidable and necessary to Ryan's character, and it's up to you to keep yourself safe. Hence, the warnings. Please take them seriously if you're at all sensitive to such scenes.

But you should also know I always show Ryan coming to a place of peace and receiving loving care and understanding from McKenzie (and the other people who care about her). My hope is that I'm showing a realistic depiction of healing from child abuse (for both the survivor and her partner), which might give hope to others who are in the middle of the process.

Most of this is based on my own journey, which is a story I've wanted to tell for a long time. I started it in Assassin and see this as a continuation. Ryan is where Case will be after about a decade of therapy (minus the kink :) ).