Day 10

Thursday, October 23

Ryan glanced at the clock on her nightstand as she waited impatiently for McKenzie to arrive. Her eyes snapped to her front door when she thought she heard a noise there. She tensed, preparing to stand up, but when there was no subsequent knock, she settled back down, though her gaze continued to drift between her clock and the front door.

The door had originally been a side door for the garage, but now it was her personal entrance into the room she was renting.

Ryan had been lucky to get the remodeled garage for such a low price, especially in a college town and with all the amenities that had come with it. She thought a lot of that had to do with Karen's recommendation and the fact that she was the Coopers' first tenant.

All of the walls had been reinforced and insulated against the cold months of Michigan winters, so even with the fall weather turning colder, she'd been toasty warm. She had her own private bathroom, including a clawfoot tub that had been squeezed into the small space. Even though she had to go into the actual house to use the stove or do her laundry, it was still pretty convenient. The connecting door between her room and the house led directly into the utility room and then the kitchen. She didn't even have to worry about being too loud because the Coopers had installed soundproofing years ago back when their now-grown son had used the garage to host his band.

Not that Ryan was noisy. She usually wore headphones if she wanted to listen to her music louder than the usual background level she kept it at. She'd also learned many ways of being silent, both from her violent childhood and simply as a night person in a day person's world.

Ryan glanced down and took one last inventory. All of the items she needed were laid out on her desk where she sat and she intended to use each and every one of them if necessary.

There was a light knock at the door and Ryan jumped up to answer it. McKenzie was standing there and Ryan knew the girl had been crying from the puffiness that was still around her eyes. Ryan really wanted to hug her, but after last night, she decided it was best to keep her distance.

Ryan stepped back and pointed at her computer chair, which she'd positioned across from the folding chair she normally kept stored behind the armoire. She'd bought the chair especially for McKenzie so the girl would have somewhere to sit besides Ryan's bed when she came over, since that was just too much of a temptation. However, the folding chair didn't have arms like her computer chair did and for what she had planned, she needed them.

"Sit down."

"Um, Ryan? I think we need to—"

"Sit down and don't make me tell you again."

McKenzie clamped her mouth shut and did as she was told, removing her jacket in the warm room and hanging it on the back of the chair before taking the indicated seat.

Ryan sat in the folding chair opposite the girl and reached for the sturdy black leather cuffs she'd placed so neatly on the desk.

McKenzie's eyes widened.

"Uh, Ryan..."

"Shut up."

The warning tone in Ryan's voice stopped McKenzie cold and she sat very still as Ryan secured the cuffs around her wrists.

Ryan grabbed one of the long black leather connecting strips that had stainless steel clips on both ends. She clipped one end to McKenzie's left cuff and then wrapped it around the arm of the chair before securing the other end so that McKenzie couldn't release herself. Then she did the same with McKenzie's other wrist.

Ryan picked up the ball gag, which was the only thing left on the desk.

"If I have to use this, I will, but I'll leave that up to you." Ryan narrowed her gaze. "I don't want you to speak until I've given you permission. Do you understand?"

McKenzie nodded her head and prudently kept her mouth shut as Ryan set the gag back on the desk.

"All right," Ryan began, clasping her hands in front of her and leaning her elbows on her knees, her legs spread apart in typical butch fashion as she faced McKenzie squarely.

"Now, we're going to talk or rather I am. The reason you're tied up is because I can't trust you not to touch me and I can't trust myself not to fuck your brains out if you do."

Ryan's head dropped as she sighed and then rose again as she took a deep breath and gentled her voice.

"McKenzie, I'm in love with you. I know that might sound crazy, since we've only known each other for a few months, but that's how I feel. Only I've never been in love before and it's making it very difficult for me to retain control over myself when it comes to you. Do you understand that me not having control is very dangerous to you? There are things I want to do to you that I know you're not ready for. But you keep pushing me..."

Ryan stopped as she saw a tear roll down McKenzie's cheek.

"Oh sweetheart, I'm not talking about yesterday. You were perfect yesterday. I've never had a sub surrender to me so quickly before and so completely, too. And that's what I want from you. So don't change that. What I was referring to was when you asked to talk to me about the rules and you knew damn well you had no intention of obeying them or even really talking about them."

McKenzie lowered her gaze and nodded her head in admission.

"You were trying to manipulate me and that won't work if you really want to be with me."

McKenzie quickly looked up and nodded her head vigorously. She wanted to be with Ryan more than anything.

"Okay. Then we need to come to an understanding on a few things. First, we cannot kiss. Not only have I promised not to stop with just a kiss, I know I can't. Or at least it feels like I can't. I don't trust myself to be able to pull back, especially if you're encouraging me."

Ryan smiled ruefully and McKenzie returned it with a shy one of her own.

"And baby, when I said we couldn't touch, my intention wasn't to make you love-starved and I realize that's what I've done. To both of us. I'm truly sorry for that and I apologize for the problems it's created."

Ryan reached out to hold both of McKenzie's hands and pulled the rolling chair closer. She wanted to reaffirm for McKenzie that non-sexual touching was acceptable. She'd never meant to be completely hands-off with the girl. It had just worked out that way as the pressure built.

"I know you need to touch me. You need to feel that connection to me. It makes me solid to you. It makes all of this real."

McKenzie looked up at Ryan in surprise. She'd assumed Ryan didn't have a clue how important touch was to her. She craved it and being denied was too much to bear. She was terrified Ryan was going to change her mind about being with her and then she'd be left with nothing. Maybe if she could touch Ryan, things wouldn't feel like such a dream. She'd have something real to hold on to, something tangible.

She squeezed Ryan's hands in gratitude and Ryan continued.

"And this is real, McKenzie. What I feel for you is real and it's not going to go away. No matter what does or doesn't happen between us, please don't ever doubt that I love you. Just like I don't doubt that you love me because I can feel it. I can feel how much you love me. It's like... It's like you love all of me. You accept it all. I mean you came back even after yesterday and somehow I knew you would."

Ryan glanced down and rubbed her fingers across the backs of McKenzie's knuckles. She noticed the silver stackable word rings McKenzie was wearing. The girl didn't wear them all the time, but when she did, Ryan usually made a game out of trying to see what they said without McKenzie knowing. Ryan had gotten pretty good at deciphering the upside-down text and she felt her heart pick up its pace as she read the words McKenzie had chosen. On her right index and middle fingers were the words 'believe,' 'hope,' and 'strength,' while on her left she wore 'respect,' 'trust,' and 'love.'

Ryan continued to stare at McKenzie's hands as she brushed her thumbs over the rings. She swallowed.

"You know, that day... when we were on the couch... Having you in my arms like that... I've never felt so loved and protected. I... I want you to know..." Ryan finally looked up and stared into McKenzie's eyes. "I've never thought of you as just some kid."

McKenzie blushed as she was reminded of her rambling confession when she thought Ryan was asleep. She wanted to look away, but couldn't as Ryan went on.

"You're a beautiful, intelligent, and creative woman, McKenzie. And the kindest person I've ever met. I think that's what I love most about you. You still have your innocence. You've experienced pain just like everyone else, but it's not so deep that you're scarred like I am and I just love that about you.

"You bring me hope. The idea that someone like you could actually love someone like me is amazing to me. I never want you to know what I'm talking about when I say I've been hurt really bad. I never want you to understand any of it. But I do want you to understand me, so maybe you will have to learn about some of that stuff."

Ryan trailed off and looked away again. She didn't usually plan too much for the future. She just waited for it to happen and dealt with things as they came to her. But she'd suddenly been thinking a lot about the future, about her future with McKenzie.

Ryan shook her head and came back to the present.

"The thing is, McKenzie, you have to respect my wishes when it comes to no sexual touching because it's not just you we're talking about."

Ryan tried to think of how to say what she wanted to say.

"Yesterday... I almost..." Ryan shook her head. "Okay. Maybe I should start at the beginning a little. I know I've told you about how all the adults in my life were abusive to me when I was a kid. But see, one of the ways I learned to cope was to find pleasure in some of those things. My fantasies can be very violent sometimes, but I don't want to act on them. But with what you put me through last week, and then how beautifully submissive you were for me yesterday, I was... I was really close to losing control."

Ryan gripped McKenzie's hands a little tighter to reaffirm their connection. She also wanted to soften her next words without censoring them.

"McKenzie, if you had touched me... I would've raped you. And I'm not talking about some kind of consensual rape scene that happens all the time in the S and M community. I wanted to make you scream and bleed and then make you come against your will. I wanted to put all the blame on you and guilt you into believing you'd brought it all on yourself, and then fuck you again."

Ryan heard McKenzie's breathing increase its pace and she squeezed the girl's hands in reassurance.

"But there's absolutely no excuse for hurting someone like that and you have to believe me when I say I never want to hurt you. I do want to cause you pain in the name of heightened pleasure, but I never want to hurt you," Ryan clarified as she gave a half smile to try to lighten the mood, but then she became serious again.

"I want to pretend I'm not capable of doing those kinds of things, but I have to be honest with myself. There's a darkness inside of me and I have to be constantly vigilant to make sure it doesn't get out. But when you attempt to challenge me the way you did, you bring that darkness closer to the surface. I'm not saying any of this is your fault. I have to be responsible for my own actions. But that doesn't give you the right to disregard the boundaries I've set up. They're for both of us and they're not meant as a punishment. And by the way, your punishment still stands. You have another three days before I'll consider allowing you release. Unless you've changed your mind about all this and then I'll untie you and you can leave and none of this will ever happen again."

McKenzie shook her head in alarm and almost opened her mouth to protest, but then she remembered the ball gag and bit her lip.

Ryan nodded in acceptance.

"Okay. Now, about the touching. We can hold hands," Ryan said as she grazed her thumbs over the backs of McKenzie's knuckles again and squeezed her fingers to emphasize the statement. "And sit next to each other, and even hold each other, but the second either one of us feels like it's too much, we need to stop and there can't be any protests."

McKenzie nodded her acquiescence.

Ryan took a breath. Maybe tying McKenzie up hadn't been such a good idea after all. It gave her mind way too many images to play with. Even the extra reps she'd added to her workout earlier in the hopes of bleeding off some of her excess energy didn't seem to be curbing her desire in the slightest. She shook her head and looked away.

"God, I just know we need to find some kind of middle ground or we're both going to go insane." Ryan looked back up at McKenzie. "You may speak now."

McKenzie swallowed. She wasn't sure where to begin. She squeezed Ryan's fingers.

"Um, is it all right to ask if you can untie me?"

"Oh God, yeah, sure," Ryan said as she hurried to undo the restraints. "I'm sorry. I just didn't want a repeat of the past few days. I don't think I could stand up to that kind of pressure again," Ryan mumbled as she released the cuffs.

McKenzie rubbed her wrists, though they didn't hurt. They were just a little sweaty from the leather. Then she leaned back in the chair to get a little more comfortable as Ryan sat back in her own seat.

"I wanted to apologize for that, Ryan. I know I shouldn't have pushed you like that. I just want you so much that I... Sometimes, I can't stop thinking about you, about touching you and feeling you touch me. But a lot of times, it doesn't have anything to do with sex. I mean it'll turn into that if I keep thinking about it, but most of the time, I just think about holding you or you holding me. But then you said we couldn't touch and I'd just get so frustrated, you know?"

"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. I think I was trying to protect myself from you more than anything else."

"Heh, guess that kind of backfired on you, huh?"

Ryan laughed.

"Yeah, I guess it did."

McKenzie looked around the room.

"So, um, what do we do now?"

"Well, could we maybe keep talking or something? I don't want you to go yet," Ryan admitted.

"What did you want to talk about?"

Ryan tried to think quickly, but the things that were coming to mind sounded silly to her.

"I don't know. Anything."

"You can't think of anything?" McKenzie asked.

The look on Ryan's face showed she'd been thinking of something, but for some reason she seemed embarrassed.

"I... Um, well, all I can think of is stupid stuff."

"Like what?"

"Well, I got a new expansion pack for one of my computer games I could show you. And then I was wondering if you were ready to take me up on my offer to design a website for your art portfolio yet. Or I was thinking maybe we could stream something or I've got a ton of old episodes of Voyager and SG–1 and Xena that we could watch. But I don't know if you'd be up for—"

"That sounds great. I'm totally in the mood to just chill out. What episodes of Voyager do you have?" McKenzie asked with a smile.

The relief was clear on Ryan's face and McKenzie thought it was absolutely adorable how the older woman seemed to have completely lost her cool. She tried not to be too smug about it, though.

Ryan ran through her list of favorite episodes from memory and McKenzie picked the one she wanted to watch. Ryan brought over her laptop and put in a DVD. After skipping to the beginning of the episode, they both looked at the queen-sized bed. It was the only place from which they could both comfortably watch the laptop perched on the nightstand.

"I just want to be in your arms right now. I need to feel you. Is that okay?" McKenzie asked shyly.

Ryan thought about it. Could she touch McKenzie right now? Her instinct was to say no, but the memory of holding McKenzie in her arms a few days ago sent warmth straight to Ryan's heart and she nodded.

"We can try it."

Ryan grabbed the mouse and climbed onto the bed. She propped her pillows up behind her and then settled back onto them, spreading her arm in invitation to spoon while holding the mouse in her other hand at her hip.

"The second either of us can't handle it, we need to say so, okay?"

McKenzie nodded and then kicked off her shoes before she crawled onto the bed and cuddled back into the curve of Ryan's body. It was soft and warm and sent a feeling of excitement and then peace through her whole body. She rested her head on Ryan's bicep and watched the screen for a moment, but then turned her head back to look at Ryan.

"Thank you," McKenzie said as she caught Ryan's eye.

McKenzie didn't wait for a reply and replaced her head in its earlier position on Ryan's arm. Then she relaxed for the first time in days.

Ryan kissed the top of McKenzie's head in response and leaned her cheek against the soft hair.

"Thank you," Ryan whispered.

Ryan thoroughly enjoyed the feeling of wholeness she felt with McKenzie snuggled up against her. They fit together perfectly.

They watched the episode McKenzie had chosen and as the show progressed, they ended up talking through most of the scenes as they analyzed the characters' behaviors. There were many scenes between Janeway and Seven that they had to rewind and watch several times in order to illustrate a point. By the time the credits rolled, they were sitting up, legs crossed, and just enjoying hanging out together for the first time in almost two weeks. The tension had faded and the emphasis on the sexual side of their relationship had been pushed down for a little while, giving both women a much-needed break.

Ryan got up from the bed and ejected the DVD from the laptop. She put the disc away and then looked at the time. She turned back to McKenzie.

"Um, it's kinda late. I guess you probably need to go home and get some sleep."

McKenzie moved to the edge of the bed and started putting her shoes back on.

"Yeah. I've got an early class tomorrow."

Ryan remained silent as McKenzie finished tying her shoelaces and then the girl stood up. They both watched each other for a moment, trying to decide what to do next, but then Ryan opened her arms and McKenzie was pressed against her in an instant, her own arms wrapped tightly around Ryan's waist.

Ryan's arms naturally came to rest around McKenzie's shoulders and squeezed. The warmth and belonging she felt was overwhelming and she realized she'd stopped breathing for a moment. She sucked in a breath, but the need to keep McKenzie in her arms continued to fuel her racing heart and she couldn't help tightening her hold just a little more. It was as though no time had passed since she'd held the girl on her bed and she never wanted the closeness to end.

"God, I love you, McKenzie," Ryan whispered. "I've never felt anything like this before. I didn't even think I could. I've been hurt by so many people. But you... you make me feel safe," Ryan confessed.

Ryan felt several tears fall from her eyes and she closed them as the intensity of her emotions rushed through her.

McKenzie squeezed Ryan in understanding and continued to rest her head against the tall woman's sternum as she listened to Ryan's pounding heart. There didn't seem to be a need for a verbal reply and McKenzie was content to simply be where she was. Ryan's scent was exhilarating and calming all at the same time and she took deep breaths to inhale as much of it as she could.

Ryan was doing something similar with McKenzie's hair. She couldn't get enough of the girl's scent and her lips were itching to trail kisses down McKenzie's temple to her cheek, but she suppressed the impulse, knowing the move would bring her too close to the girl's lips. With that outlet of expression cut off, her hands started slowly and sensuously running up and down McKenzie's back through her T-shirt. It wasn't long before Ryan realized what she was doing and she removed her hands. McKenzie let go of her and Ryan took a step back.

"Sorry. That's about all I can take."

"It's okay," McKenzie said softly in understanding. She'd been about to start rubbing herself on Ryan's leg. "Um, should I go now?" McKenzie asked uncertainly.

It was the last thing Ryan wanted McKenzie to do, but it was probably a good idea. She nodded her head.

"Yeah."

McKenzie nodded in return and grabbed her jacket. She slipped it on and slowly headed for the door.

"Um, McKenzie? Would you like to go out with me?" Ryan asked impulsively.

McKenzie stopped at the door and turned around. The smile that lit up her face was beaming. She nodded and Ryan smiled in return.

"Great. I'll, uh, come by the house around six? We can go get something to eat and maybe catch a movie or something?"

McKenzie just nodded again, the smile never leaving her face.

"Okay. Cool. I'll see you tomorrow then," Ryan said.

McKenzie nodded again and then left.

Ryan lay down on her bed, folding her arms behind her head as she stared up at the ceiling and just grinned.

She had a date.