Moving On

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Written by Kodi Wolf at 3:03 PM

It's been about four months since Felix died. I still dream about her all the time. Just this morning I had one that I woke from in tears, not because it was sad, but because it was so happy, but then I woke up and knew it was just a dream, hence the sadness.

In the dream, I told Corene to follow me, that I had to show her something. We went into the living room and Felix was running all over the place, but I finally caught her and picked her up. I told Corene that I'd had this dream, and that in the dream, my other cat Akasha had died and when she got to heaven, she told them they had to send Felix back because otherwise, "She'll be all alone now," meaning me. They told her, "We'll do you one better. We'll send you both back." Then I told Corene that I'd woken up and Felix was there, even though I knew she'd died and we'd cremated her, and we'd even gotten her ashes back. Then I turned so that Corene could see Felix's face and know it was really her and not just another cat that looked like her. I told her I didn't understand how it had happened, but I didn't really care. That's when I woke up and started crying.

Normally, I'm aware in my dreams that I'm dreaming, but this one caught me off guard, probably because I knew for sure that Felix was dead, so there was truth in the dream, even though certain elements were off, like Felix already being dead when Kash died, even though in reality it was Kash who died first, then Felix. The dream was tactile, too. I remember Felix's fur feeling like she'd been in the rain and thinking I'd need to brush out the tangles. She was also about two years old and Kash looked like she was about three, all healthy and solid with bright white fur.

I really miss Felix. I still cry when I think about her and never being able to hold her again.

But those times are fewer and farther between and I think I'm finally starting to get back into the swing of things. I've been writing, which is always a good sign.

I found a new book called The Story Template by Amy Deardon, which has helped me tremendously with brainstorming. It has all these exercises that ask questions about your story and characters (and setting, theme, etc.) that have helped me approach my writing from a new angle, so I haven't been getting the same amount of anxiety about writing that I have in the past. It's been nice to bypass the fear and just focus on my stories.

And I had a major breakthrough on The Vampire Hunter back in January. I can't tell you how many times I've rewritten the beginning of that story, only to realize that it contained some problem that could only be fixed if I wrote a different beginning, but then that beginning would have issues and so on. Eventually, I had something like half a dozen different beginnings with various versions of each of those. It was just a mess.

But then I was talking it out with Corene and a couple things I said reminded me that back when I'd done one of the first rewrites, I'd had a couple scenes in mind for some stuff Dana says at one point that I'd just skimmed over. Well, I realized that those scenes might actually work for what I wanted to show, so I wrote them, and lo and behold, all those other bits I'd previously written finally fell into place. That led to further new scenes, so TVH seems to finally be moving along (well, I'm stuck on a scene right now, but I'm hoping that will pass as I brainstorm on it some more).

Then I took a break to clean up the house. After Felix died and with the holidays and then writing in January, I kind of let the house go. Even before all that, we'd sort of just been stuffing things into the storage or office closets and then quickly closing the door so it wouldn't all topple over. So I decided to start spring cleaning a little early, partly because it needed it, but mostly because I needed it. I needed to get my environment in order and make some space, and it was a good way to allow myself time to grieve without feeling like I had to be 'on' for my writing or anything else.

Unfortunately, even after spending most of February and March on it, there's still a lot left to do. We did get the office closets and the bedroom closets done (well, mostly), and we made several trips to Goodwill, so the house is definitely lighter, but the Christmas tree is still up, if that tells you anything. :)

Of course, then I got tired of cleaning, so now I'm back to working on my stories, which has been great. I did take a few days off to finish some work I've been doing on the site (I'm redoing the Progress Reports pages to use calendars, which I prefer; it's more visual).

And yesterday, Corene and I finally got our estate planning documents done. We are now the proud owners of our very own wills, powers of attorney, and combined living wills/health care powers of attorney. We'd wanted to get all these documents done back when we had our handfasting ceremony in 2004, but it just didn't happen. Then the last time I was at the ER (passing a kidney stone), the nurse sort of chastised us for not having the health care powers of attorney, especially since North Carolina had just passed the ban on gay marriage. Then, while cleaning, I found an insert I'd set aside from our credit union offering estate planning for just $250 each, so we made the appointment and got it all done in about an hour and a half. I feel so grown up now. :)

Anyway, so now I'm playing with Beauty and the Beast, trying to finish the outline. I was a little lost, trying to figure out what to do next, until I realized that of all the fairy tales, this one is almost entirely about the relationship. The others have plot elements like Snow White hiding from the evil Queen and Rapunzel trapped in a tower and Cinderella going to the ball, but the main plot of Beauty and the Beast is simply that they fall in love (which breaks the Beast's curse). So I just need to come up with stuff for them to do, so I've been researching what people did in the Middle Ages for fun and recreation. I've come up with quite a few ideas and have just been writing them down as they come to me.

Well, I've been having issues with my back again, so I probably need to call it quits for the day and go watch some documentaries while I do ice. I don't want to ruin my writing streak by messing up my back because I overdid it yet again.

I hope everyone is doing well.