Archive for 2004
Post #101
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
Written by Kodi Wolf at 12:00 AM
Still no story update, but if the e-mails I've been getting are any indication, ya'll want to know what's going on. I don't usually like to get too personal on my site, even if I do disclose a lot of personal information in individual e-mails to those who ask, but it sounds like I need to give an explanation for my long absence, so here goes.
My childhood was not a happy place, and unfortunately, I have to spend an inordinate amount of time trying to deal with it (or not deal with it, as the case usually is). I have what most of you probably know as Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD), though it's now called Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). For me, it's not like what you see in the movies or on TV, mostly because I've spent a lot of time becoming co-conscious (that's where all the people, or 'alters', know about each other, instead of when one person comes out, the rest are 'blacked out' and don't know what's going on, which creates some serious problems). I'm actually quite comfortable with having DID. It's like having a family inside, one that loves me, as opposed to my birth family. It's also what allows me to write so many different stories and switch points of view and create new characters, etc.
The downside to being co-conscious, though, is that I no longer 'switch' when something starts to freak me out (which is just about all the time). Instead, I have anxiety attacks all day and a lot of my energy goes into just maintaining. I was on medication when I was a kid, but it totally dulled me out, and I know that's not what I need. I need to feel, so I can let go of all my fear and anger and grief over what happened to me when I was a kid. Besides, I can suppress those feelings quite well on my own (except for the fear; that one always seems to get past my defenses).
Anyway, after having an endoscopy a few months ago to check that the Nexium I've been taking has been helping my acid reflux (after which I found out I have 3 gallstones, but since I'm not feeling any pain, I've postponed having surgery just yet), I decided to try medication again because the drugs they gave me for the endoscopy totally wiped out my anxiety for about four hours. I've never felt free of fear in my life. It was amazing. And it wasn't a happy high, either. I just wasn't scared. I got to enjoy the day with Corene and hold hands with her and tell her (and feel) how much I love her without freaking out from my intimacy issues, etc.
So, for the past couple months, I've been trying different medications in an attempt to lessen my anxiety, so that I can do stuff like sleep or let my girlfriend touch me without flinching (that only happens when I can't see her about to touch me, but I still don't like it). So far, I have been side effect central. For the 5 weeks I was on Paxil CR, I slept 20 hours a day and was a zombie for the few hours I was awake. I also didn't write a single word during that time, which I didn't like at all (despite being in the middle of an anxiety attack most of the time, I still write just about every day, except weekends, which I try to spend with my girlfriend and focus on her exclusively). Now, I've started Wellbutrin and have been writing up a storm (I was kind of stuck on how Paradigm Shift was going to work, but now I have a nearly complete outline that I wrote 2 days after getting off the Paxil). However, even though my anxiety level is starting to calm down, I'm starting to have stuff come up therapy-wise (probably because I'm starting to feel safe enough and calm enough to feel it now). Plus, my girlfriend is starting to have her own issues come up regarding her family and their fuck-upped-ness, so I need to be there for her as much as possible.
Anyway, with all this stuff going on, my confidence level in posting updates has been really low. I do have the next two chapters of POW basically done (I just need to finish up the last corrections I received from my BetaWolf group, but they arrived right when I was beginning the Paxil, and I just didn't have the energy to do anything with them). I also have a chapter of Lights of Life done that I haven't sent to beta yet because I haven't felt like I could handle any criticism at the moment, and I think that's vital to my writing process. I need to know where I'm fucking up or I'm never going to improve, but when I'm feeling fragile, I see no reason to subject myself to a situation I know is not going to boost my confidence. That's about all I have done enough to post, though. The rest of the stories I've been working on (mostly unposted stuff like The Trine and Paradigm Shift) are in various states of incompletion, and I really don't want to post anything else that isn't finished. That's how I got into this situation in the first place. :)
So, that's what's been going on with me. I'm sorry if this was more information than you wanted to know, but I felt like I needed to explain, instead of just saying, 'Sorry, still no story updates.' I mean the stuff I said before about being busy with the wedding and wanting my stories to be as polished as possible before posting them is still true, but there's a lot more to it than that, and I just didn't like being only half-honest.
I think since I keep getting inquiries despite what I've requested here in the past about being patient, I'm going to try to update this page more often, maybe just talk about the stories I'm working on or something. I've thought about doing something similar in the past, like creating a web journal where I could note which stories I worked on, where I'm stuck, what's working, what I need to research, etc., but I think my What's New page is good enough. Besides, if I created a 'journal' page, I'd still just end up having to post the news that I'd updated the journal page on this page anyway, so what's the difference? :)
As the first update along those lines, here's what I've been working on since I got off the Paxil:
Paradigm Shift - After finishing the sex scene in Chapter 26 of Bloodlines, I knew pretty much where I wanted to take the story, but I wasn't sure how to make it work. Two days after I got off the Paxil, my brain kicked in, and I came up with a whole new story to lead into what I wanted to do in Paradigm Shift that will hopefully bring it all together, while still leaving room for future stories. I'm calling it Blood Moon for the time being. I'm still deciding how much I want to give away about the story, so that's all I'm going to say about it right now.
The Trine - Before I started messing with my brain chemistry, I had been reading a lot of 'how to improve your writing' articles and realized that one of my characters was too perfect, while the others had very little arc to their characters in relation to the main hero of the story who had all the arc. Since I consider it an ensemble cast, I felt all the characters should have their own story arcs, something the other characters could both push them toward and hold them back from. So, I've begun rewriting the whole damn thing. It's not as bad as it sounds, though. Mostly, it's just a reformatting of scenes I've already written and a lot of the same events will take place. It's just the characters that will be different. For example, instead of being all understanding in the beginning, a character will have to learn that trait, so that we don't see it until the end of the story, after we've gotten to go along on their journey with them.
Well, that's pretty much it. The rest of my writing has been focused on my personal stuff or for the wedding site I've built so I can share stuff with my family, since they don't live near me.
I'm going to make a concerted effort to keep updating this page, even if I don't have a story update so you know what's going on. And hey, doing this may help me get through my confidence problem so I can actually post what I've got.
Well, take care.
Post #102
Tuesday, April 6, 2004
Written by Kodi Wolf at 12:00 AM
Well, after that last update (see March 2004, if you haven't been here since before then), and after getting a really nice e-mail telling me it was okay to take time for myself (which I really needed to hear), my confidence level seems to have gone back to normal again, and I'm ready to post again. Prisoner of War, chapters 3 and 4, are now available for your reading pleasure.
I also have the next chapter of Lights of Life ready to send to BetaWolf, so hopefully, that'll be up in the next month or so, depending on what my beta-readers have to say.
Also, another site has requested to turn two of my stories into .pdb files for use with PDAs (Palm Pilots), and I've said yes. If you've been looking for The Debutante and the Delinquent or Xena: Warrior Slave in .pdb format, they're now available from the site below:
Spontaneous Catharsis
http://buffy.kimlys.com/pdafic/other/index.html
Post #103
Friday, April 16, 2004
Written by Kodi Wolf at 12:00 AM
Like I said in March, I'm going to try to update this page more often whether I have a new chapter to post or not, so that you guys know what I'm working on (or not working on, as the case may be). So, here goes.
Lights of Life - I finally sent Chapter 12 off to BetaWolf. I know I said I had it ready to go back on the 6th, but I decided I didn't like what I had, so I went back and messed with it. But it's ready now, so it's been sent. Hopefully, I'll be able to get some good feedback and fix it up enough to post here in the next month or so. (Please don't hold me to that, though. My muse likes to be obstinate.)
By the way, I have to approve everyone who joins my BetaWolf group, so if you were thinking about joining to get a sneak peek, it ain't gonna happen (and yes, I'm pretty sure I've had people do that in the past, which is why I changed it to 'by approval only'; I checked my logs and found that I had one person join several different times for only a minute each time, so I can only guess they were looking for an unposted update, which I found
So basically, that means anyone who wants to join will only be able to do so in the time between when I've posted something to the website and when I've sent a new chapter/story to BetaWolf. Hopefully, that isn't too annoying (not that people are beating down the door to beta-read for me :)).
Prisoner of War - I've been working on the timeline, as well as a few scenes that have been coming to me here and there. The timeline is just so I can keep things straight for myself and not have any continuity errors. Plus, it helps me plan future chapters better by reminding me what needs to happen when.
Blood Moon - I've written the first draft of the first chapter, as well as the beginning of the second chapter. I like what I have, so far, and I'm hoping the rest of the story is as easy to write (though I'm doubting it). I've also been doing a lot of research for this story. Since the beginning of it takes place in ancient Egypt, I've basically had to learn about the society, the technology, the politics, the living conditions, the economy, and just the basic day-to-day issues of living in that time period. It's really fascinating (great, now I sound like Spock). It really is, though.
The Trine - Since deciding to rewrite the story, I've gotten the first two chapters done. I've been enjoying the characters even more, too. They feel more real to me now, rather than some of them feeling a little removed. Of course, now I'm trying to figure out how to introduce one of them a lot sooner than I had in the previous version, but as Corene keeps telling me, "You'll get it; you always do." So, I'm trying not to stress about it.
Other Writing Stuff - I added a few lines to the Uruz Rune page on my Supernaturalism website (which isn't open to the public and probably won't be for a very long time; it's basically a collection of my non-fiction writings on subjects like religion, which ranges from Greek mythology to Christianity, as well as things like the Tarot, chakras, and auras, etc.).
Web Design Stuff - I know this has nothing to do with writing, but I came up with a cool new CSS trick for designing buttons without using images. I came up with it while I was working on Corene's poetry site, which needs to be updated to include a section for the current year (I also need to bring the code up to date; it's still using tables for layout instead of CSS, which isn't good). I've also been updating Corene's and my wedding website, which probably won't become public until after the ceremony has taken place in August (damn, that's only like 4 months away; it's coming up fast :)). Right now, it's just for my family, since they live up north and I'm in the south.
Work Stuff - I've realized I don't have a link to my web design site on this website, so I've added that to the Links page (I could really use some work right now; I'm willing to cut my prices significantly (read 50%) if it'll get me a paying project). Anyway, the URL is:
Wolf Web Design
https://www.kodiwolf.com/WWD/
If you know of anyone who's looking for a web designer, please send them to the above website. I'm not a web programmer, but I know HTML and CSS and can work with JavaScript and PHP fairly well (I can't create it, but I can work with it). I'm also good at working with a team.
Well, I think that's it. I hope I haven't totally bored you. Back to my stories.
...a little while later...
PS Corene's website has now been updated, so if you want to see the new CSS buttons that don't use graphics or JavaScript, check out her site: https://www.kodiwolf.com/RFP/
Post #104
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
Written by Kodi Wolf at 12:00 AM
Here's an update on what I've been working on...
Lights of Life - I've received feedback from my BetaWolves, but then I got sick, so I haven't been able to finish up the corrections just yet (the cold medicine has been making me feel spacey, so hopefully once I'm off that, I'll be able to focus better and get some writing done). Give me another week or so.
Assassin - I've begun revisions in preparation for publishing, but I've only gotten through the first chapter.
A Bondage Primer: 180 Days - I've written a little more for the next chapter, but I'm seriously contemplating taking this story off the web entirely. Every time I get an e-mail asking me to "finish this story soon," when there are a 170 days left to it, I just want to scream. So, since I'm guessing that's not what the readers' intentions are, I'm thinking it might save us all a lot of grief if I just take it down. But I haven't decided yet, so it's still up.
Xena: Warrior Slave - I've gotten a tiny bit written for the opening of the next part, but that's it.
Post #105
Monday, June 21, 2004
Written by Kodi Wolf at 12:00 AM
I'm guessing you're all wondering what happened to Lights of Life. Well, the muse sort of left me, where that story's concerned. Instead, I've been working on finishing up the wedding ceremony, my vows, etc., since I've only got two months left (it's exactly two months from today).
The rest of my time has been spent cleaning the house with Corene in preparation for a friend (Corene's Best Woman) who's coming to visit (if you've ever seen the show Clean Sweep, then you know what the house used to look like...Okay, it wasn't quite that bad, but that's only because we hid everything in the closets and shed).
Anyway, with the cleaning, Corene has finally been able to start displaying her stuff, so the house is starting to look really nice. Now, if we can just keep it that way... :)
Back to story stuff. I'm almost done with the ceremony, so my muse has been letting me get a few lines down here and there for some of my stories, but that's about it. I think it would be scaring me that I'm not writing, except for the fact that I am writing, just not on my stories.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that there probably won't be any updates until after the wedding, which is August 21st (and don't be checking here on the 22nd; I'll still be up in Vermont with Corene spending the next week with my family, since I hardly ever get to see them).
So, check back in September. Hopefully, I'll have something for you guys then.
Post #106
Friday, November 12, 2004
Written by Kodi Wolf at 12:00 AM
Hey everyone. I apologize once again for only being able to give you another life update rather than a story update.
Well, let me start off with the good and say that Corene and I are married now (though not legally, of course). I'm working on a website to showcase our handfasting, but it isn't finished yet. I'll let you know as soon as it is (it's going to include video clips of the ceremony and reception, pictures, and a transcript of the ceremony; I just need to .zip the clips, upload them to the site, and finish writing synopses for each clip, as well as finish up the transcript page).
Now for the bad. About a year ago, I was diagnosed with three gall stones. I wasn't having any symptoms, so I didn't have surgery, but in the months before the handfasting, I started getting sick. I was testing some new medication (new to me, not as in I was a test subject :)) and dealing with side effects, so I thought that was the problem and stopped the meds. The only problem was that the 'side effects' didn't go away.
Anyway, I was focused on the chaos that is planning a wedding, so I did my best to ignore the nausea and lack of appetite, etc. Well, I made it through the ceremony and about halfway through the reception, and then I just about collapsed. I didn't even get to have cake.
Okay, I just reread that and the collapsed part sounds really dramatic, which it wasn't. I was somewhat used to the fainting spells (though can I just say that is the worst feeling in the world?), so I was really aware of the warning signs, and from learning to breath in order to help control my panic attacks, I was able to stop myself from passing out most of the time.
Basically, I would start to feel nauseous, then I would break out in a sweat, and then everything would start to go white. That's when I would chant, "I'm not gonna pass out, I'm not gonna pass out, I'm okay, I'm not gonna pass out." That's pretty much how I got through it that day until the feeling passed, and then I crashed on the couch for a few hours.
Well, the next day, I had an even worse bout and really did collapse at the local food co-op (I only just barely stayed conscious and was flat on my back in the aisle). Luckily, my sister, who was the High Priestess for the handfasting, was with us. She's also a paramedic, so she had a shopper she knew go out to her car and get her oxygen tank and one of the cashiers called for an ambulance, and to make a long story short, it was a really shitty day.
And now let's skip ahead past the bullshit of Medicaid not approving me having my gall bladder taken out in Vermont because it 'wasn't an emergency' and it could wait until I got back home, and the hospital in Vermont not accepting North Carolina Medicaid, even though they told me they would (they're currently hounding me for about $1000 in hospital bills, which Medicaid would actually pay if they just let them), and go directly to Corene and I cutting our vacation short, so we could get home to see my surgeon.
Of course, then we have to skip past two more months of waiting because I was told my doctor couldn't see me until he had my medical records from Vermont (by the way, my doctor is very cool, so I'm not bashing him, it was Medicaid that refused to pay to duplicate any tests done in Vermont, even though they didn't pay for them in the first place), but Vermont decided to hold my medical records hostage, since I hadn't paid my bill (at least, that's the only explanation I can come up with, since when Vermont requested my records from my doctor, they had them the next morning). So, I finally said "fuck it" and made an appointment with my doctor anyway, and he immediately sent me to see my surgeon (in case you're wondering, this has to do with the type of Medicaid program I'm on called Carolina Access; I have to see my regular doctor and he then has to refer me to other specialists, or else Medicaid won't cover it).
So, finally, on October 21st, exactly two months to the day after my handfasting, I had surgery to remove my gall bladder. And after all the bullshit I went through in Vermont when they were telling me they didn't think it was my gall bladder, I find out that there really was a gall stone stuck in the bile duct, though it was too small to show up on X-ray and was probably just causing me pain rather than blocking the duct.
Anyway, I'm now trying to recover from the surgery, which I feel is taking way too long, but which everyone else keeps telling me I'm doing fine. Unfortunately, from being sick for so long, I really kind of wasted away. Not that I'm thin, by any means, but I lost twenty pounds from not eating because of being nauseous all the time; my 38" Levi's used to hang on me, now it's my 36's that do that, and I can pull off the 38's without unbuttoning them. I still feel really weak, and not being able to use my stomach muscles for a couple weeks weakened me even more I think (the way the surgery is done, they basically punched five holes into my abdomen, which passed through three layers of muscle, so it definitely hurts to use them and it takes a while to heal).
So, that's been my life for the past few months. Needless to say, my focus hasn't really been on my stories, but that seems to be changing. I've been trying to be a little bit more active, which at this point really just means being awake, though I actually did some dishes yesterday. I tried doing dishes a week after the surgery and barely washed a single bowl before I had to take a break. Even now, just standing up straight hurts if I'm up for too long (it's amazing how much we use our stomach muscles to support our bodies and how much it sucks when that support is taken away or injured).
Okay, I feel like such a whiner after that little admission of weakness, but as Corene and my sisters keep telling me, I need to be patient with myself. I push myself really hard sometimes, and this is one of those times when I need to back off or I could end up making my recovery time even longer.
So, anyway, as I was saying, my focus wasn't really on my stories for a few months there between the handfasting and being sick and the surgery, but over the past week, I've been getting back into that headspace. Not that I ever really left it; my brain is always off thinking about one story or another, and I would jot stuff down every now and then, but this past week, I've actually been writing for a few hours at a time.
So, here's the list of what I've been working on:
Prisoner of War - I've almost got the next chapter finished. I just need to write the sex scene and fill in some gaps in the dialogue. I'm not sure what's holding me back on the sex scene. It might be because I'm not physically feeling good, which causes problems when I try to 'feel' what the characters are feeling, so I can describe it properly. I know when I've had a cold and have tried to write sex scenes, the muse has definitely deserted me. It's just hard to feel sexy when you feel like shit.
The Trine - I'm still really enjoying this story. I'm just a little worried about how long the beginning is. My introductory/establishing chapters for two of the main characters go on for about 90 pages before I get to the introduction of the third main character, which seems like too much, but when I read it, it seems fine. The amount of story world time that goes by is only a day, so in that sense, it's really short. It's just the number of pages that seems a lot, but it's not like I'm including a bunch of descriptive prose or unnecessary scenes (at least I don't think I am; all of them give information that's important, in my opinion). Oh well. Guess I just need to let it go and follow the story where it leads.
The Vampire Hunter: Blood Moon - I've gotten quite a bit more written for this story, but now I'm trying to focus on my outline. Because of the amount of time the story is going to cover, I need to carefully pick and choose what scenes to show and what to just gloss over in the narrative (at times, I'll be skipping hundreds of years). Otherwise, the story could end up being longer than The Trine, and I don't think it needs to be. Of course, if the muse gets into it, it could turn into an offshoot series and I could then go back and tell the stories of those glossed over bits, but at this point, that's not where I'm at. The big thing about picking and choosing those scenes, however, is that I need to do a lot of research about what was happening in ancient Egypt (as well as other parts of the world) at particular times, so that I can make everything fit (or at least fit as well as it can). So, I've been watching documentaries and reading online histories, so I can try to work in what I want to have happen with what current archeologists know/speculate really did happen. Unfortunately, some of it is pretty dry stuff, so it's a bit slow-going.
Well, I think that's it. I have no idea when I will have anything ready to post again. And I do want to thank everyone for not pestering me too much for updates. Getting an e-mail that tells me how much you enjoy my stories, but that you understand about the lack of updates and are trying to be patient really takes the pressure off and lets me just write, instead of feeling like I'm letting everyone down. So, thank you. I'm writing as fast as the muse and my inner perfectionist allow. :)
Take care, everyone.
Post #107
Saturday, December 4, 2004
Written by Kodi Wolf at 12:00 AM
Yay! A story update!
I've finally posted Chapter 12 of Lights of Life. Please read the previous chapter if you can't remember what's happened so far (I know it's been a really long time between updates).
As for what else I've been working on, I've mostly been in research mode for Blood Moon. I've found three books at Amazon I really want, but they're like $65, so I'm going to see if I can get them from the library (I hope, I hope).
Well, let me know what you think of the update, good or bad.
Post #108
Friday, December 10, 2004
Written by Kodi Wolf at 12:00 AM
This isn't a story update exactly. I've gotten a couple e-mails from readers who are having problems downloading my stories, and I've been messing around with creating PDF files of my stories because I think they look neat, so I decided to offer them to the public. So far, I've only really done my completed stories. I'm still debating whether or not to do the rest, since they're still in progress and will have to be updated every time I post a new chapter.
Anyway, the PDFs are a little more up-to-date than the HTML versions, but you can read more about that on the new PDF Library page.
If you have any questions or problems, let me know.
