Moving On

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Written by Kodi Wolf at 3:03 PM

It's been about four months since Felix died. I still dream about her all the time. Just this morning I had one that I woke from in tears, not because it was sad, but because it was so happy, but then I woke up and knew it was just a dream, hence the sadness.

In the dream, I told Corene to follow me, that I had to show her something. We went into the living room and Felix was running all over the place, but I finally caught her and picked her up. I told Corene that I'd had this dream, and that in the dream, my other cat Akasha had died and when she got to heaven, she told them they had to send Felix back because otherwise, "She'll be all alone now," meaning me. They told her, "We'll do you one better. We'll send you both back." Then I told Corene that I'd woken up and Felix was there, even though I knew she'd died and we'd cremated her, and we'd even gotten her ashes back. Then I turned so that Corene could see Felix's face and know it was really her and not just another cat that looked like her. I told her I didn't understand how it had happened, but I didn't really care. That's when I woke up and started crying.

Normally, I'm aware in my dreams that I'm dreaming, but this one caught me off guard, probably because I knew for sure that Felix was dead, so there was truth in the dream, even though certain elements were off, like Felix already being dead when Kash died, even though in reality it was Kash who died first, then Felix. The dream was tactile, too. I remember Felix's fur feeling like she'd been in the rain and thinking I'd need to brush out the tangles. She was also about two years old and Kash looked like she was about three, all healthy and solid with bright white fur.

I really miss Felix. I still cry when I think about her and never being able to hold her again.

But those times are fewer and farther between and I think I'm finally starting to get back into the swing of things. I've been writing, which is always a good sign.

I found a new book called The Story Template by Amy Deardon, which has helped me tremendously with brainstorming. It has all these exercises that ask questions about your story and characters (and setting, theme, etc.) that have helped me approach my writing from a new angle, so I haven't been getting the same amount of anxiety about writing that I have in the past. It's been nice to bypass the fear and just focus on my stories.

And I had a major breakthrough on The Vampire Hunter back in January. I can't tell you how many times I've rewritten the beginning of that story, only to realize that it contained some problem that could only be fixed if I wrote a different beginning, but then that beginning would have issues and so on. Eventually, I had something like half a dozen different beginnings with various versions of each of those. It was just a mess.

But then I was talking it out with Corene and a couple things I said reminded me that back when I'd done one of the first rewrites, I'd had a couple scenes in mind for some stuff Dana says at one point that I'd just skimmed over. Well, I realized that those scenes might actually work for what I wanted to show, so I wrote them, and lo and behold, all those other bits I'd previously written finally fell into place. That led to further new scenes, so TVH seems to finally be moving along (well, I'm stuck on a scene right now, but I'm hoping that will pass as I brainstorm on it some more).

Then I took a break to clean up the house. After Felix died and with the holidays and then writing in January, I kind of let the house go. Even before all that, we'd sort of just been stuffing things into the storage or office closets and then quickly closing the door so it wouldn't all topple over. So I decided to start spring cleaning a little early, partly because it needed it, but mostly because I needed it. I needed to get my environment in order and make some space, and it was a good way to allow myself time to grieve without feeling like I had to be 'on' for my writing or anything else.

Unfortunately, even after spending most of February and March on it, there's still a lot left to do. We did get the office closets and the bedroom closets done (well, mostly), and we made several trips to Goodwill, so the house is definitely lighter, but the Christmas tree is still up, if that tells you anything. :)

Of course, then I got tired of cleaning, so now I'm back to working on my stories, which has been great. I did take a few days off to finish some work I've been doing on the site (I'm redoing the Progress Reports pages to use calendars, which I prefer; it's more visual).

And yesterday, Corene and I finally got our estate planning documents done. We are now the proud owners of our very own wills, powers of attorney, and combined living wills/health care powers of attorney. We'd wanted to get all these documents done back when we had our handfasting ceremony in 2004, but it just didn't happen. Then the last time I was at the ER (passing a kidney stone), the nurse sort of chastised us for not having the health care powers of attorney, especially since North Carolina had just passed the ban on gay marriage. Then, while cleaning, I found an insert I'd set aside from our credit union offering estate planning for just $250 each, so we made the appointment and got it all done in about an hour and a half. I feel so grown up now. :)

Anyway, so now I'm playing with Beauty and the Beast, trying to finish the outline. I was a little lost, trying to figure out what to do next, until I realized that of all the fairy tales, this one is almost entirely about the relationship. The others have plot elements like Snow White hiding from the evil Queen and Rapunzel trapped in a tower and Cinderella going to the ball, but the main plot of Beauty and the Beast is simply that they fall in love (which breaks the Beast's curse). So I just need to come up with stuff for them to do, so I've been researching what people did in the Middle Ages for fun and recreation. I've come up with quite a few ideas and have just been writing them down as they come to me.

Well, I've been having issues with my back again, so I probably need to call it quits for the day and go watch some documentaries while I do ice. I don't want to ruin my writing streak by messing up my back because I overdid it yet again.

I hope everyone is doing well.

The Past 6 Months

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Written by Kodi Wolf at 7:46 AM

I know, it's been far too long since I updated this blog. Sorry about that.

Here's the summary of my life since my last post (way back in April):

I had an awesome month of writing in April, and May was pretty good, too.

In June, I was caught up with preparing to go on vacation at the beach to spend a week with one of my sisters and her family. I was also working on my jewelry design business and taking care of the details leading up to my wife's imminent cataract surgery, which had both of us a bit on edge.

July was the actual cataract surgery. Thankfully, everything went well and I was able to get back into my writing groove.

Then August hit and I kind of felt like my life went to hell. I messed up my neck, which was causing some really funky sensations in my head (waves of tingles and then heat would crawl up the back of my skull and around to my temples). The sensations reminded me of what it feels like just before I'm about to pass out and basically made me feel like I was going crazy. I went to my doctor and he confirmed I was probably experiencing nerve problems because of my neck, so he recommended I see my chiropractor. I started seeing my chiropractor every few days, started doing traction on my neck a couple times a day, along with ice, my wife was kind enough to give me a massage every few days, and I tried to lay down and relax as much as possible (meaning no being on the computer and no holding a book to read, which pretty much left me with just watching TV, which is not how I like to spend my active time).

Then my gut got in on the action and I started feeling like I was going to pass out whenever I needed to have a bowel movement (sorry if that's TMI, but this is my life). I've experienced that before when I had gastroenteritis with diarrhea and vomiting, but this was just during my normal day. It made going to the bathroom feel like a life-or-death experience rather than something that just takes a few minutes and you're on your way. I also started having these episodes of feeling hot all of a sudden and sweating profusely, usually either right after I'd eaten or during, which are usually signs that I'm having a hypoglycemic episode and need to eat something, which didn't make any sense since I'd just eaten or was trying to eat.

By the middle of September, between the ice/traction/massage/resting regimen and my chiropractor, my neck was doing better, so I was able to get back to writing a little more.

I also did a little research online regarding my symptoms and found a bunch of other people talking about having similar issues. From what I've been able to piece together, it all seems to be related to the vagus nerve, which controls a bunch of different, seemingly unrelated, things in your body, including:

• heartrate - I have intermittent PVCs (premature ventricular contraction), which causes me to feel like I've lost a breath when my heart double beats or skips a beat

• gastrointestinal peristalsis (wavelike muscle contractions that move the food through the digestive tract) - I have chronic constipation and cramping

• stimulates your stomach to secrete acid - I have acid reflux

• sweating - I drip sweat when I'm about to faint or during hypoglycemic episodes, and now apparently for no particular reason (there's a reason, I just don't know what's triggered my vagus nerve during those events)

• fainting/dizziness - I faint when I'm nauseous or constipated

• The vagus nerve is also activated by emotional stress, which can lead to fainting - I have lots of anxiety

Unfortunately, there isn't a 'vagus nerve syndrome' diagnosis or therapy as far as I know, but finding this information has made me feel a little less crazy (for a while there, I felt like I was the only one who seemed to go into crisis every time I needed to use the restroom). Even if the symptoms still suck, at least I can tell myself I have a reasonably good explanation for what's going on rather than my mind coming up with wild theories, like brain cancer or something (when I feel like my world is crashing all around me, having that kind of anchor is a lifesaver).

I also found a few tips on ways to lessen some of the symptoms, which has been helping. In general, eat slower; take smaller bites; use deep breathing/calming exercises; and lay down when I need to in order to let the symptoms pass, even if it takes several hours, rather than trying to "push on through." I also perform what's called a vagal maneuver. There are several, but the one I use basically involves trying to push with your stomach while you hold your breath for a few moments and then breathe out; it seems to help anyway.

As for October, I've felt sort of back to normal, as long as I keep up with the traction and ice and don't spend too long on the computer too many days in a row (one or two excessive days can be mitigated by staying off for several days). I've been writing in my notebooks more, rather than sitting at the computer, and I've been trying to be wiser about how I use my time, especially on the computer. I can't just sit there and research aimlessly (well, it's not really aimless, but it is exceedingly easy to get sidetracked). And while I'm doing traction, I use the time to think about my stories and brainstorm ideas.

Though hurting my neck and having all these other symptoms take center stage has sucked, it's actually made me take more time for myself and my writing. I've felt more focused in some respects. My time has become very precious to me, so I haven't wanted to put my energy into anything else, which is why this blog has been so neglected. If it's a choice between working on a story or composing a blog post, the story is much more likely to win.

I am sorry about that (sort of), but the truth is, if I don't have any particular news, it's unlikely I'll take the time and energy to post anything here, at least for the time being. I have, however, been posting progress reports every couple weeks regarding what stories I'm working on, so you can assume I'm mostly okay if there's a dozen updates posted by the end of each month (less than that and it's probably been a sucky month).

Well, I'm going to take care of myself and get off the computer now and get back to working on Lights of Life.

I hope you have a wonderful Halloween. :)